I am not competitive. I am hard on myself. When expectations are set, I will grind myself to the ground to meet them. The stress and anxiety might be overwhelming but I will endure them. I set such ridiculous expectations that I stress about having too much stress because it is unhealthy. I expect myself to be in perfect health.
When I was a little girl, I just wanted to be happy! My older sister was studying for entrance exams to high school in Taiwan. My wise 10 year old self advised her this. “You want to be first place in the easier school. Not last place in the harder school. It’s the way to have time for fun.” I had no desire for achievements then.
“If she can’t speak English, then she shouldn’t speak at all!”
Something changed drastically when I immigrated to Canada. I was in Grade 6 Social Studies on my second day of school. The only other Chinese student was translating the teacher’s instructions to me. “Shhh… Shut up!” A girl said. “I’m just trying to tell her what the teacher is saying.” My new friend replied. “ Well, do it in English!” The girl insisted. “ She doesn’t speak any English.” My friend replied again. Next, the girl said something so provoking it shifted me into a different gear. “If she can’t speak English, then she shouldn’t speak at all!”
I didn’t understand what she said. I sensed the tone and remembered her exact words. Stunned, I made a promise not to let anyone look down on me again. I would achieve! That scene was carved in my memory forever. It still brings tears down my face today. She inspired me to set my first memorable goal in life. I went from only knowing the English Alphabet to regular Canadian curriculum in less than 2 years.
People talk about defining moments in their lives. That was my moment at 12 years old. Life wasn’t just about having fun anymore. It started being about performing to a set of standards. I put pressure on myself to accomplish my goals. Making my mother proud was how I would thank her for sacrificing her life to bring us to Canada. I decided I would work hard to succeed. That meant being a strong woman, being in a leadership role in my career and being financially stable. Happiness stopped being a priority.
I spent most of my 20’s functioning this way. I felt like I was racing on a track. It felt great every time I crossed the finish line but the race kept going! So, I kept running. I found myself living 5000km away from my friends and family with a house mortgage and a broken relationship. I hit rock bottom when I had a panic attack in the swimming pool during my regular Friday morning laps.
I decided to move home to be closer to my friends and family. It took me several years to truly find happiness again. I had to have a few honest conversations with myself. What was truly driving me to run on that endless track? It wasn’t just about meeting expectations. I wanted to achieve so I would be loved. How can anyone not love a perfect girl? I hid my blindness because I saw it as a flaw. I worked hard to maintain a physique that I thought was never good enough. I couldn’t stop competing with myself to reach perfection in every way. I didn’t love myself.
Those things are often heard from others. But, to truly accept them for myself was very difficult. This is work in progress. I often talk to myself, out loud and internally. What I find the most helpful is when I recognize I am acting a certain way that is attributing to intense pressure and stress on myself. It’s a constant reminder that perfection is not realistic. Flaws are what make us unique. All I can do is my best that day or even just that moment. I deserve to be kind to myself. I deserve to be loved. And that starts with me.
Paddle Hard!